2nd November, 1994.

At the beginning of this autumn, Igor, our four-year old son, started complaining about pains in his arms and legs. Considering the fact that Igor has a brother Vladimir, younger by two years, the first thought that occurred to me was that probably they had had a fight - a very common thing in our home, to put it mildly. Unfortunately, this time it was not the case. Having conducted thorough, in-depth analysis and check-ups, it was confirmed that some imprudent, restless "creatures", jumping from place to place had invaded his arms and legs, with the aim of pestering little Igor. The said creatures suffer from lunacy, so consequently we called them "LUNATICS". Igor politely asked them to go back, but they enjoyed his company - far be it from them to leave. So, he decided to expel them by force and declared a WAR against them. My son thought that those Lunatics came from the United States, more precisely, from Los Angeles. We objected to the idea, but finally we agreed. Igor had the bright idea that the Lunatics had heard about the boy from Belgrade, who had never ailed in his life, so they decided to bother him. They came from the L.A. in a large plane, having flown across the largest sea in the world. 

At the time when Igor declared war against the Lunatics, he started arming himself with dangerous weapons: a sword, a rifle, a knife and a hammer. But that was not all. We asked our hospital for assistance; a very good female doctor worked there. After hearing Igor's story about the Lunatics, she promised to help him win his battle and revealed that she had very powerful arms capable of forcing out the Lunatics; apart from that, she said, Igor was not the only warrior. There were many other children fighting a similar battle.

This female doctor led Igor and me to a small hospital room where the two of us stayed alone so that we had a lot of time for talking and devising a war strategy. We furnished the room with Igor's toys, books, pictures, even curtains, taken from his room in our home. The pride of place was reserved for the TV set, VCR and cartoons. We brought his bed-linen with the clown designs as well; the only things we missed were the piano and a fridge. All in all, everything was fine apart from the fact that we were frequently disturbed by people in white overalls who kept coming and intruding into Igor's lovely room.

However, despite the lovely room and our armament, Igor was increasingly bothered by the Lunatics, experiencing great pain in his arms and legs. The doctor came quickly and poured into Igor's little arm a magic potion that put a stop to all his pains. As Igor did not like "pricks", his doctor brought a special little covered "screw", fixed it to his tiny arm and poured all the magic concoctions through it. The Lunatics went completely crazy, running away in all directions: escaping through his mouth, nose, bottom, urine. They were scared to death of the color red and Igor had to drink a lot of red liquid. Sometimes the doctor took out his Lunatics from a hole on his back and hip. It was painful since the Lunatics were scared of the doctor's glasses and consequently started biting, scratching and pinching out of fear the very moment they saw the glasses, but it was of no use since Igor was the most courageous boy in the world, not frightened by their antics. As soon as she removed them, the doctor quickly threw them into water and they drowned because they couldn't swim. However, there were many Lunatics hiding somewhere inside Igor's large muscles, wandering at random to the left and to the right, but not for a long time. Once Igor got angry, he became a really dangerous guy, so that even the doctors were scared.

In those days Igor was a very good and obedient boy and the doctor let him go home to sleep in his bed, eat mother's home-made lunch and granny's cakes, to play with his little brother and to go to hospital once the doctor had made ready various red and white poisons intended for the Lunatics. At home the Lunatics were going to be blasted by a range of large and small shell-pills.

11th November, 1994.

Igor arrived home and there was a disaster. Little Vladimir was even more dangerous than the Lunatics themselves because he expressed the wish to be blasted just like Igor; he cried bitterly, begging to be taken to the hospital together with his brother. In the end, Vladimir was taken to hospital as well to have his own infusion stuck into his arm, to be examined just like Igor and, finally, to be rewarded with sweets, just like Igor. When Igor burst into tears, Vladimir became a raging dog and beat up every single person. There was the rub! During his stay in hospital, Igor got used to being a GENERAL, therefore behaving in the same way at home. However, he messed things up because Mom and the Dad are commanders-in-chief at home. He realized very quickly he was not the only one with Lunatics, since every one of us has some Lunatics of his own and a secret weapon to fight against them. Igor's fellow-friends had Lunatics inside their tonsils so they had to undergo surgery to dispose of them; Igor was overjoyed that his Lunatics stayed in his arms and legs as he was terribly afraid of surgery. 

On the second day of his stay in hospital, Igor asked me anxiously whether he was going to die. He explained he had heard there are some diseases one could die of. I realized it was the topic of lengthy discusions. Not knowing what to say at that moment, I answered I was going to slap him if he ever again asked such a foolish question. I did not want to lie to him since lies are outlawed in our home. No-one has "a contract with God" and nobody, including him, has the right to put such silly questions. He was satisfied with this answer, even more so when we made it quite clear that the term "to be ill" implies sneezing, coughing, fever and many other symptoms already known to him; as he did not suffer from any of them, it meant he was not ill. He was just at war with the Lunatics.

Igor's Lunatics were presently a little bit drowsy after the doctor had stunned them with different magic potions; it was very important not to wake them. They could be disturbed by a blow so we made every effort to avoid anything of the kind; we tried to eliminate every possibility of being smacked by Vladimir. It was very hard to accomplish; Igor and Vladimir were simply used to a free fight. However, they quickly realized that the "PROHIBITION OF FIGHTING" had positive sides. The prohibition also referred to Dad and me. Vladimir was an incredibly quick learner. At very dramatic points he would claim to have LOW TROMBOCITES!!!

15th December, 1994.

Considering the fact that in any war, warriors must undertake special precautions, we did the same trying to fulfil and keep to all the doctor's advice. First of all, it meant bombing the Lunatics regularly after each meal since they gathered around swallowed food and as soon as they started eating, Igor launched his bombs and killed them. It was followed by regular tooth-brushing and mouth-washing after each meal to prevent any hungry Lunatics climbing up Igor's little teeth. Igor had the obligation to visit his hospital at regular intervals and to report to his doctor as any conscientious soldier does. He was always accompanied by Vladimir in his role of main assistant and entertainer. A woman, commonly called "sister" (nurse) waited for us in the hospital but it was beyond Igor's grasp whose "sister" she was! Nor could he understand what "a blood picture" was but now he knew that doctors collect a couple of drops; he said "a little bit of blood from the finger tip". The said drops were shot, blown up, put in fine frames and hung against walls so as to discern the possible hiding places and arms of the Lunatics. The doctor analysed Igor's blood-picture and defined the kind of weapon to be used in action. Once it happened that the nurse told Igor he had a low leukocyte count but the statement greatly confused him. I had to explain him that there is blood streaming along his veins (he is already familiar with the fact). The blood contains tiny, white particles-leukocytes that are in fact, his defence force against the Lunatics from L.A. In the case of some fighters, you have to wait for an increased number so that you can enforce and arm them accordingly. The army sometimes gets tired and becomes sleepy. Having been injected into the spot of the greatest force - Igor's arm muscle - the magic potion swung into action again. At that very moment, the army was awake and armed, first of all, with courage. The powerful liquid remedy is very expensive and some other warriors are in lack of it, so we tried to provide it for some other fearless kids as well. 

Igor did not have any idea about haemoglobin but now he knew that everybody's blood contains a little amount of iron, the stronger it is, the more powerful the muscles are. Igor turned into a real veteran of the war against Lunatics from L.A.

15th January, 1995.

Christmas and New Year came and Santa Claus sneaked into the kids' room bringing presents. The Christmas parcel included a whole host of things: books, crayons, puzzles, sweets, plane and helicopter models, not ordinary ones, but battery-operated, with whirling propellers. It seemed that Santa Claus had not received his monthly allowance yet since he did not include any batteries; we applied ourselves to the task of finding all the left-over batteries in our home, checking all the clocks. As a result, all the aircraft moved around, done to death. It was quite clear that Santa Claus had heard about our bitter war and decided to contribute the armament. The children were presented with bows and arrows as it was the only weapon they did not possess. It took them a couple of days to practice arrow-shooting so Dad and I crawled around our home trying to avoid every possibility of being hit (our foreheads made suitable targets). 

At the same time we experienced a little inconvenience because Vladimir and Dad got ill, so we sent them to Grandma and Grandpa to be cared for. Vladimir was delighted with the situation; finally it was his turn to complain; hence he had to be submitted for a medical check-up as well. However, he was bitterly disappointed that he had been rewarded with a kind of a syrup instead of bombs. At that stage, Igor explained to him very professionally that syrup is to be consumed by the sick, and the bombs are given to those that are at war with the Lunatics. 

Once it happened that Igor put a question about his attending the hospital although he was not ill! I explained to him that a hospital is not meant solely for the sick, but for the healthy as well. For instance, mothers-to-be stay at a hospital when they get a baby; they do not go to a supermarket, but to a hospital and newborn healthy babies are given also a medical check-up. What is more, Igor and Vladimir attended the same hospital when they were born, despite the fact that they were completely healthy children. Thus the issue was settled and Igor was rarely confused now. 

He still visited his hospital at regular intervals, performing the task quite professionally and dutifully. So far he had become acquainted with many new things and he was fairly proficient with medical terms. Sometimes he really surprised me with his knowledge and the way he took things. He became very choosy: he liked to select by himself the vein where a nurse was to attach "a sword". The "sword" had to be black and he got rather annoyed if the action was performed by an aged or poorly dolled-up sister. He was used to addressing them as "sister" (nurse) and did not ask any more whose sister she was. Admittedly it was a very strange hospital; the physicians kept on giving the children sweets and toys. Igor and Vladimir got very nice plush -made horses and simply held on to them. They adored animals and in their games Igor always acted the father-lion, since it is the bravest animal, and Vladimir, being a younger brother, satisfied himself with the role of a baby-lion. On one occasion Igor burst into tears in hospital and I told him lions never behave like that; hares behave like that. He got very offended and he has been trying eagerly not to be a hare ever since. He knew perfectly well that his Lunatics could hardly wait to see him be a coward, because then they could do anything that pleased them; conversely, when they felt his courage, they got very scared and vulnerable. During his stay in hospital, Igor made friends with many children but his favorite fellow-friend was a little boy named Fortunates who had neither a Mom nor a Dad, not even a home so that he had to stay in hospital. We always brought him something nice and it was a real pleasure to watch the two of them play. Igor was even happier because he managed to make Fortunates laugh. Igor understood vaguely that he was a very happy child since he had all of us around him and I got the impression that he had become even more obedient than usual. Vladimir was still very little and he did not pay attention to all of that. He thought there were not enough of us and kept inquiring about guests.

24th February, 1995.

One morning, on arriving at the hospital, we got a big surprise. We were welcomed by an extremely beautiful lady, so that Dad's and Igor's eyes nearly popped out of their heads. The name of the beautiful lady was Sister Beba and it was love at first sight between her and Igor. At that very point Igor's joy started and my and Dad's trouble. The above named sister fell so much in love with Igor that she kept on kissing him, consequently leaving visible traces of lipstick all over his cheeks; it resulted in the widespread jealousy of the whole male population within the hospital. There were many others who would have liked a little bit of Beba's lipstick on their cheeks but, of course, that possibility was out of the question. Vladimir was the only one to enjoy the privilege and he just posed so sister Beba couldn't miss his cheeks. Our troubles started at the point when sister Beba prohibited any kind of scolding. As a result, our own son started reprimanding us for any trifle that therefore resulted in a severe objection from Beba's side. Having been of the opinion that his culinary wishes were not being fully respected, he even started grumbling about the cooking. Consequently our relations were rather strained and I could smell a war. As for the battle with the Lunatics, it was quite OK. The doctor kept strictly to her strategy. It happened on two further occasions that Igor's army was asleep, but we repeated the procedure with a magic drink and everything was under control. It appeared that the Lunatics were really a secondary problem. The real problem appeared with Igor's belief that he could do anything because he was under Beba's protection; his doctor was unwilling to make any objections either. He was just praised, cuddled and cared for and he availed himself of the opportunity to be most important one. For days Dad and I developed a strategy on how to make him come down to the earth; unfortunately, it seemed it was not going to be an easy task. 

The good thing was that Igor was no longer afraid of needles, syringes and the rest of the stuff that even we elderly ones do not like. Thanks to sister Beba, Igor learned how to prepare a shot, needle, cotton-pad and his vein for the "sword". Sister Beba attached the sword and he himself injected the mixture. He even managed to remove the sword from his vein with a smile; so far, unheard of. Sister Beba advised him to learn all these things, so that one day when he grew up, he could come to the hospital and help other children expel their Lunatics. Igor prided himself had very much, showing off constantly with the things he learned; only a few believed him. Grandmas and Grandpas just rolled their eyes in astonishment and we tried to persuade them it was not just a tale of his own. 

4th April, 1995.

At the very beginning of the "our war", Igor started shedding his babyish hair, expecting a real manly hair to grow in a couple of months. A couple of years ago, when Dad and I had a German shepherd dog, we experienced the situation of shedding of fur. We told the children a story about our collecting the fur for many days, all over our home. To avoid a similar situation, we called our friend Maja to trim the children's hair. Maja has magic scissors that do not pull out hair and children like them very much. Once the trimming was finished, we concluded that our children were much like escaped prisoners. A couple of days later, Igor lost all the remains of his babyish hair; he was very satisfied that for some time he need not bother himself with washing and drying. By custom, Vladimir was dissatisfied that he had more hair, and kept on asking why we cut Igor's hair overnight, but not his. He thought we had cut Igor's hair overnight, while he was sleeping, because he noticed his hair was growing, contrary to Igor's.  

Presently, Igor was hairless and a cap was an unavoidable garment. A couple of days earlier, Igor and Vladimir had been playing with some other children in a park when suddenly his cap fell off his head. The children gave him a strange look and an older boy shouted mockingly:" Hey, you bald guy!" Igor was confused and neither he nor I reacted. The game continued and no more attention was paid to Igor's head. When we came back home, he complained to his Grandpa, who himself had been hairless for a long time, and he explained to him that the only thing that matters is what one has inside one's head, not on it! At the same time, he told Igor, in case it happened again, to say:" Hey beardless!". The remark was quite an acceptable one, since neither hairlessness nor beardlessness is an oath. Igor was fairly satisfied both with answer and the instruction.  

August, 1995.

Igor won the first and the most important victory in this terrible war. The doctor permitted a deserved break and we could hardly wait to leave the city. It was only when we arrived in other surroundings and met people who hadn't a clue about the terrible battle that was being fought in our family, that we realized how much effort we had engaged in the war against the Lunatics; we had forgotten the little, common, everyday pleasures such as sitting in a coffee-bar, window-shopping and wishing for something not necessarily connected with the war against the Lunatics. Despite this great victory, Igor still had to face a long road ahead of him, leading to the final victory. We believed he had the power to overcome all temptations awaiting for him on this long route. He enjoyed all our support and whether we liked it or not, he was still the GENERAL and we were his ADJUTANTS.